“You know what the greatest city in the world is? Scottsdale, Arizona.”

It’s a lonely, hot Thursday in New York City, and this Onion piece really made me laugh.

8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live

‘We’re Getting The Hell Out Of This Sewer,’ Entire Populace Reports

NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having realizing it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.

With audible murmurs of “This is no way to live,” “What the hell am I doing here—I hate it here,” and “Fuck this place. Fuck this horrible place,” all 8.4 million citizens in each of the five boroughs packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of filth and scum and sadness.

In addition, 3 million New Yorkers reportedly left the city because they realized the phrase “Only in New York” is actually just a defense mechanism used to convince themselves that seeing a naked man take a shit on a park bench is somehow endearing, or part of some shared cultural experience.

Related: Listen right this minute to this beautiful new song by Ray LaMontagne, “New York City’s Killing Me.”

Advertisements

One response to ““You know what the greatest city in the world is? Scottsdale, Arizona.”

  1. That plus the hurricane.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s