This is a test of our national character.

PEOPLE OF AMERICA! Take a break from stabbing each
other
, please. I have an important question for you.

I’m going to make one of the following purchases today. Please advise.

OPTION 1: Cholula Original Flavor Hot Sauce half-gallon bottle with pump, $12.98

Pros: GREAT price per ounce; funny to show off to visitors; packs easily in carry-on if I have to flee the country because of inevitable stab-crime prosecution.
Cons: Takes up a lot of space in fridge. Also, maybe kind of gross?

OPTION 2:  Cholula Original Flavor Hot Sauce 12-pack of 5 oz. bottles, $24.95

Pros: More convenient for storage; price per ounce still much better than in-store; handy to have extra bottles around to bribe stab victims.
Cons
: Not as cheap as pump bottle; no guarantee stab victims prefer Cholula to Tabasco.

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12 responses to “This is a test of our national character.

  1. The little ones! Though I’d probably stash a big one in the pantry, the little ones will look better on the dinner table. Plus, you could break one over a potential stabber’s head and stab his or her eyes out with what’s left, if need be.

  2. Good point! I put all this energy in preparing to stab someone else that I didn’t consider I might be the stab-ee.

  3. OBVS go for the smaller bottles. Perhaps more resource-intensive, but less tendency to spoil. Easier to smuggle, and as pointed out above, better for use as an impromptu defense weapon against your inevitable knife-wielding assailant.

  4. The best solution is to buy the large size and then get one small bottle in the store to refill from the big one. That way you get all the hilarity and economy of the large size plus the convenience and decorative qualities of the small size.

    Good luck not getting stabbed.

  5. I agree with Alyce.

  6. Get the large one and put it and its pump handle on the table with pride. You’re RUTH!

  7. A round-up of this conversation:

    Alyce and Brooks, everyone knows Cholula bottles have tiny openings that can’t be refilled. I know, because I’ve seen Ruth try to re-fill one with tears.

    Bob, I love that you can refer to your own daughter as a force and a concept. Ruth-ness definitely describes the act of leaving a pump-bottle of hot sauce on the kitchen table.

    Ruth, the people have spoken: buy both. I hope Emily’s would-be intruder enjoys having scrambled eggs eaten off his face….

  8. Alyce and Brooks, you really have a lot to learn about hot sauce packaging.

  9. Excuse me! I do know what I’m talking about! One of my primary responsibilities during my years at Grandma Sally’s Pancake and Waffle Palace was TO REFILL BOTTLES OF CHOLULA and put them back on the tables. To wit, the trick is to tilt the bottle at the perfect angle (takes practice) and refill at a constant rate, allowing air to escape the narrow neck opening at the same time a thin stream of hot sauce goes into the bottle.

  10. WHAT?! I don’t want to call my own sister a liar, but I really don’t see how it’s possible given the current bottle design. The hole is so tiny! Also, I thought Grandma Sally’s only had Tabasco.

    Clearly this calls for more research, both in the lab (my kitchen) and in the field (breakfast at Grandma Sally’s).

  11. I hope you get a fellowship for that.

  12. AUGH! GRANDMA SALLY’S BURNED DOWN AND NOW WE’LL NEVER KNOW WHAT KIND OF HOT SAUCE THEY HAD!

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