Luck be a lady tonight! What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas! Viva Las Vegas! VEGAS, BABY! Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Ugh. Las Vegas is the worst, right? I mean, I think we can all agree that objectively it is the worst city in the world, beloved by the worst people in the world. (Not including you, if you’re a friend of mine who loves Las Vegas.) However, when Brooks and I breezed into town hoping for a single night of mild fun, it really delivered.
We reserved a room in the casino hotel New York New York, which is modeled on the city of New York, including Statue of Liberty, Chrysler building, and Brooklyn Bridge. It’s really something.
The really shocking thing is that our room cost us just $55, which is just about the average of what I’ve paid for the terrible low-end motels I’ve been staying at across the country on this trip. (We used this website to find the deal.) So this was a shockingly cheap price for a legitimately nice hotel room in a fantastic location on the Strip. We actually found rooms in less desirable parts of the city for as low as $9 on Kayak. That’s not a misprint. $9.
After settling into our room, we headed out for our night on the town. First stop: buffet.
The one we chose was inside the Paris Las Vegas casino, and it really was incredible. When I think “buffet,” I think “Old Country,” which is weirdly delicious in its own way — fried chicken, overcooked broccoli, wet slices of ham in ham-water — but you know, not actually delicious-delicious. This, on the other hand, was straight-up traditional delicious. Piles of crab legs, an olive bar, a crepe station, amazing grilled vegetables, and a million excellent desserts.
For an undisciplined person that loves to eat, a buffet is a real danger zone, of course. Brooks and I both have a history of clutching our stomachs and sweating heavily after buffet incidents. But we had a buddy system to prevent regret-inducing overeating, and we were extremely proud of our restraint.
After the buffet, we started gambling. Ruth is the name, quarter slots is the game.
I don’t mean to brag, but in three separate big wins, I earned — that’s right, earned — a total of $62 at quarter slots. I spent about $25, so I actually came out ahead for the night. What can I say? I am just really, really good at playing the slots.
Eventually we took our winnings (or in Brooks’s case, losings) and headed back to the hotel. Just as I was starting to think, “This town isn’t so bad,” we came upon a horriffic sight that stopped us dead in our tracks and caused a painful flashback:
That’s right: dueling pianos. Turns out New York New York is home to “the no. 1 rated dueling piano show in Las Vegas.” There is no escape. America loves dueling pianos. Look at that crowd! They were going wild! Resistance may be futile. But as God as my witness, I will resist until I am the last person in America not at a dueling piano bar. And, thanks to the buffet, I’ll also never go hungry again.