Excuse me, Archie gets WHAT?

I love the New York Post, whose headlines are known for their groan-worthy yet awe-inspiring wordplay. Here are some recent examples of the form:



Ha! What can I say, I’m a sucker for that stuff. I buy this paper every weekday and read it on the way to work, and it makes me happy. Here I am enjoying the paper last summer:

Anyway, I also love Archie comics, a fact that has been demonstrated here and here.

So you might think I’d be thrilled to hear they had gotten together. Instead, I’m sort of creeped out.:

I’m not troubled by Archie’s romance with Valerie, OBVIOUSLY. Rather, I’m grossed out by the headline, because a regular Post reader can only read this as a joke about Archie, um, getting pussy. Right? I’m really trying to find another interpretation here, and I just can’t. There’s no other way to read this. Blech.

I was forced to contemplate Archie’s sex life when he had children with both Betty and Veronica in two different recent imagined-future story lines. That was bad enough. But now you’re just throwing it in my face, Archie. Can’t you please go back to being a chaste teen, with no babies and no pussy puns?

(Another quibble: the weekday Post hasn’t been 25 cents since 2008.)

5 responses to “Excuse me, Archie gets WHAT?

  1. Archie and Valerie? This is so stupid it makes me want to scream. This is worse than the fake-out futures. In fact, it’s bad enough to make me care about Archie comics again for at least the minute it takes to type this comment.

  2. This is where you’re supposed to suggest brilliant alternate headlines, Ruth, am I wrong?

  3. Valerie Caught Redhead-handed
    Archie’s a Pussycat for Valerie
    Archie to Tambourinist: I’d Hit That!
    The ‘Cat Is Out of the Bag: Archie Caught Kissing Valerie
    Bye Bye, Betty! Vamoose, Veronica!

    Paul, got any others?

  4. KISS AND TAIL

    ARCHIE GETS PAL-ERIE

    THE BASSIST OF HAPPINESS

    disqualified:
    SEX AND THE KITTY

  5. Paul, you have a special gift. Kiss and Tail is my favorite.

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